I have to admit….for the longest time, I was jealous of the ladies. Why? They always got to look prettier than the guys. The sheer amount of makeup ammo alone is enough to compare a Panzer tank to a tricycle. Granted you’ll hear women moan about how long it takes them to get ready, but I think it’s worthwhile. To be able to pop in your favorite earrings, do up your nails fancy, and figure out how much stylish height-enhancement you’re going to do….I rather enjoy that. Fortunately I’m in a place where I can actually partake of these activities and not get shunned under the carpet. I think some ladies like the change too, as I seem to get some nice compliments nowadays.
GrantedN you won’t be seeing me in a skirt or dress anytime soon, but as long as I can pick and choose what I like, I’ll be content.
I said it before on my Facebook, and it bears repeating here – I think I spend way too much time on the keyboard, and not enough time on the drawing board. Not much new this week aside from getting better at strolling in 5″ spikes, as they’re starting to feel more and more normal again. I do some stretching at the end of each night just to keep my flexibility up, and it feels so good at the end of the day. OPI has a new collection out yet again, although I think the store here in town still has a really good stock of the colours I like. The one thing I can’t seem to settle on is what kinds of tops I want to wear. I don’t think I’ve bought a new shirt in a while outside of my Tinkerbell and Betty Boop shirts – perhaps a nice loud Hello Kitty shirt? Yes, I’m in a mood.
What I find fascinating is how much more I’ve been talking to some women as of late, and I guess it’s easier when you view things from the female perspective, because some things just seem to make more sense. Is that all harking back to the theory that gay people’s brains are wired like women’s brains? If that’s the case, then what am I? I somehow don’t think I’ll ever come with a coherent answer to that puzzle.
I still miss my Denver friends a lot, but we’ll be going down next year sometime, and then I’ll get a chance to catch up again. I just pray I get a chance to escape for ONE day while there to be with Ray, because it’s been an absolute AGE since I had a day out with my kindred spirit – I so need to rectify that.
Today was a good day for me. I had my schedule tweaked (just for today) to help cover some stuff, and it feels later now than it usually is – but then again, I usually get off work 2 hours later than I did today. Tomorrow will be a longer day, as it’s 3 hours longer and I still get off at midnight. Am I masochistic? Probably, but perhaps it’s part greed and part wanting to be a team player. I guess it’s something I do well at, so I might as well put some passion into it. As has been said by my favourite TV chef, if you don’t have passion for what you do, then you won’t be any good at it.
Gotta love Chef Ramsay. So popular, even if he makes sailors blush with his cursing.
I feel Machayla is coming out more and more each day, and perhaps it’s just the way I adopt my appearance, but I think it’s a good thing, as I feel more complete, and more “like myself”, as it were. I’m not completely female and yet not comletely male either. I take the best bits of each and roll them together into my own persona. I’m finally happy with who I am again, and while it’s not a huge change in my life, it is an important one to me. Funny thing is, I seem to relate more to the women I talk to than before, but perhaps I understand them a bit better than I understand guys sometimes. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not going to pull out that sorry old chestnut of “I was born in the wrong body”, because whatever you are biologically, it doesn’t change that you can be who you want to be on the deep inside. We are what we are, and if we want to be something or someone that is quite a bit different than anyone else, then so be it.
I am going to the hair salon next month, and I’m going to try a more female styled hairdo, as I love length and I love body, and I want to have fun with both, and as its even becoming more the norm these days, as more guys ARE doing it, it won’t come as any shock to anyone. Now to keep working on getting the weight off. It can happen…given time.
and to quote Gene Simmons….and that’s why it’s good to be…….me.
I thought to finally dust off some of my other nicer boots to wear out and about today. Today was my “Friday” at work, and since I don’t move about all that much, wearing stuff like this doesn’t kill me off at all – so I figure it was a good way to spice up the wardrobe a bit, and I doubt anyone noticed – then again, they’re all used to me by now anyway, so it’s all good. 🙂
I have to give many thanks to my patron saint, bluknight for resurrecting my websites, as I wasn’t able to get him the needed funds before they went offline. Time to gladly pay the piper!
It’s funny how wonderfully my friends at work have been so open-minded & supportive of my few odd habits, but it makes me enjoy my environment all that much more! Some say they get burned out on working and dealing with customer issues, but not me. Oh I may grumble from time to time about a bad day, but when they come in, I’m in it to win it for them. I guess it’s true what they say about having a passion for what you love to do, because it’s so very very true! Some say I should be commended or commited….well, since I’ve already gotten my many pats on the back, I’ll go for the latter of the two next. I guess also being allowed to be a bit of a fashionista helps as well.
I’ve learned how to be able to dye my own hair, but since I keep doing blue-black, it’s really not that hard. I guess if I was doing a complex, multi-color layering thing, it might be trickier. I’ve gotten better at painting my own nails creatively, walking in my stilettos naturally, and picking nicer clothes, it’s made me feel better and more relaxed. I don’t know why I get hung up on such things, but perhaps it’s the same as those with a chocolate fixation – only my habits don’t add calories and/or pounds to your figure. I’m looking forward to the new Avenue fall lineup, as they have some nift boots I’m dying to get my hands on!
I may be getting some sketchwork online here soon too, now that my sites are back up. I hope someday to do a comic as well, but I’ll settle for more story writing as time permits, as well as finally making some headway playing my Ratchet & Clank game (I still need to finish that thing!!).
More to come!
I’ve been making changes over the past year, and in a sense, finding out who I really am, both on the inside and the outside. For me, it really depends on the day, as my personality really has a duality all its own. It’s really hard to describe, but I have both yin and yang going on inside, and sometimes whoever gets to the awake door first wins. It’s been like that for a very long time, and there have been times I’ve been forced to suppress my femme side, and just hide it away from everyone – this has led to many down days when I just feel trapped and can’t get loose. Most days though, it’s been very easy, and I have a lot of supportive friends to thank in that regard.
My core being hasn’t changed though – just the outer layers of the persona and the outer trappings. Some people may think it as silly, weird, or whatever – I don’t care anymore. I’m just tired of having to live someone else’s life, and not my own. I’m working on taking better care of myself and getting into the shape I want to be in. It’s interesting that while I haven’t lost much weight, I haven’t gained any either – yet my body seems to be adjusting to the way I want it to be regardless. I’ve gotten a couple more curves in places there weren’t before – I guess we’ll see how that ends up. I haven’t started any new regimens or taken anything to bring about these changes, but I think it’s more of mind over matter.
Some have asked me if I want to change through surgery or other things – I don’t really see any need, as what I am now doesn’t require it. I’ve changed my outlook on life and the things I find important, and the things I want to pursue. I want to enjoy the finer things in life that are easily attainable, and it seems to have come easier than before too.
So here is my journey. You’re welcome to come along for the ride, but as I always say….if you don’t like what you hear or read, there are other places to be. 🙂
I’m happier now.
I think I’ve been doing some deep exploration as to what it is I want to be inside and outside, and truth be told, I still don’t think I have a clear-cut answer – nor do I really need one. Although outwardly, some may perceive me as trying to be more female, I don’t feel any different on the inside, although I do feel quite a bit more relaxed. It’s been an interesting few months to say the least – I’ve done some clothes shopping, been being more particular about care products, learning how to paint my nails and develop a better hair style.
I don’t know…..maybe I am changing on the inside, and it’s just now manifesting itself outwardly? Maybe I should have done something more drastic a long time ago? It’s hard to say what could have been, or how might have things gone differently, but now is not the time to worry about such things. I have friends who respect me, family that (for the most part) support me, and I feel good – so I guess that’s all I really need.
Now I need to concentrate on losing some weight and getting my figure under control. Oh that’s gonna be a fun ride in of itself……