This has been something that has been bothering me for some time, and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s something I’ve done to myself, and not even realized it – or perhaps it’s just me letting circumstances get the better of me.
Growing up, I’ve usually been pretty happy, outgoing, and creative, but then when I was in 7th grade, I was thinking of taking a home economics class, and the teacher didn’t think it was a good thing for me, because one of the topics that came up was planning for when you were going to pass away.
This……..is a subject that has haunted me since I was about 7. I don’t know why, but for a very long time, that fear has been causing me problems, and no matter what I’ve thought about, it never goes away. I am smart enough to know there is nothing I can do about it, but it’s a huge fear in my life, and it at times has consumed me to where I just want to shrivel up inside. My mind wanders about it from time to time (and no…….I am not suicidal in any sense of the word). It keeps popping up in my mind, and it always scares me stupid, and it frustrates me!
I think this is one of the things that has plagued me for so long that I’ve lost interest in just about everything I’ve found enjoyable. I have had many prayer talks with the Lord, and I know He hears me, and I know the lessons from the Bible about what happens after this life, but just the thought of not being here anymore frightens me to no end!
One of the other things that has bothered me over the years, and sometimes I don’t know why it does – is that I spent my growing up years hiding parts of my life from my family – well…….actually just one part. I guess my fashion taste grew up on the wrong side of the fence if you catch my drift. I’ve been called gay, trans, queen, and a host of other names, but I’m not really any of those, despite what I may have thought from time to time. To me, my fashion was an extension of my creative talents – it was a covering that I preferred to the drab tones that are usually reserved for the male part of the society.
Over the years, I have come upon more and more roadblocks that have prevented me from enjoying my fashion choices, and almost 30 years later, I think I have pretty much given up on that pursuit. I guess I should have realized it years ago, but my desire to be different had me painted into some pretty tight corners that I had no way out of unless I gave up and just went with the rest of the crowd. For me, it was a very hard thing to realize, and I guess I just didn’t want to admit it.
So here I am – almost five decades into my life, and the fear of the end and my frustration of my fashion wants have killed off a good chunk of my creative spirit. Maybe I let it do this to me because I didn’t know what to think of it.
At least I have some things that do bring me happiness. My faith – my relationship with God has been re-kindled in recent years, and I have come to realize that He has always been there for me, even when I didn’t realize it. My family – while there have been many bumps in the road, I wouldn’t trade my family life for anything. It’s always so nice to have people there for you when you go home. My friends – I have accumulated many friends over the years from many different circles and walks of life, and each one has been a journey unto themselves. It’s always great learning new things about people you know, and reconnecting with people you have lost touch with over the years.
When I actually get into something I enjoy, I’m in a good place – it’s the getting to that point that has been the struggle. I think I want to do some things, but then I just have a hard time getting the gumption up enough to actually do them. Maybe it’s that lifelong fear thing that I said about before that I just can’t shake. The inevitability just saddens me to no end from time to time – that feeling that someday you will be leaving everyone behind, and there is nothing you can do about it. That is the most painful thought in my life, and it just seems to enjoy torturing me. I do wish it would just go away. I want to be free of the fear – I want to enjoy life again like I used to.
I often do though…………it just takes effort. I need to make that effort more……….much more.