You know….I think some of my friends might have had it right all along. Maybe I am too nice for my own good. I guess I’ve just been too blind much of the time to notice – or just didn’t want to see it. I should have.
I should have seen it when I went to my best friend’s wedding – took time out to do it because I made a promise that I would when we were kids. I upheld it, yet when it came time for the day I would get wed, did he? No….of course not…too busy.
I should have seen it when I helped out a person whose store I believed in for a while, and all the time, people were telling me I was being used. Yeah…found out that turned out to be true after a while too.
I should have seen it when I helped out another friend with his computer problems, and every time I went 2 states away, I made sure I saw him while we were there because I thought that things lasted, but every time they would come up here, they made no outward effort to come say Hi, but told me that I had to go out to see them – didn’t want to see the family or anything – too busy I guess. That one hurt really badly. That one was a long time friendship that I guess got more one-sided over the years.
So why do I keep doing it, I ask myself. Am I that desperate to keep friends? Am I really that lonely? No…not really. Not anymore.
I do have friends out there who don’t do this though – who treat me with some respect, and that I do appreciate. I guess I’ve just never been good enough to distance myself from those that don’t give a rat’s ass anymore. What I find interesting is that the friends I’ve made in the past few years have made more of a good impression, and I’ve learned more about people. I’ve also found there really are those in my own backyard who are more open-minded than I thought…because they opened up to me, and I was able to open up to them – and it was a really good thing.
There are those in Denver and the OC that, should I make it back out there, I’ll definitely be seeing again – not all is lost. Someday I’ll make it to LA and the UK to see a couple of people that mean quite a bit to me on many levels. I’ve found people I can truly believe in that have been honest and open to me – those mean the most.
If you want to be around me, then please say so. If you don’t……then say so then too…..just stop lying to me.