Well, I’m off to Denver soon. Maybe….I’m not sure….the coin is in the air on this one folks! I get to decide whether I want to go by myself for the weekend down south to my “second home”, Denver, or spend the whole vacation home with the fam. I may not get that choice too much longer, for if I keep thinking about it, I’ll end up getting booted out the door telling me to have fun anyhow.
Not that this would be a bad thing, mind you…..but it’s that niggling little guilt feeling, ya know. The one that says “Why should I have all the fun, and leave them home?”..yeah…that one. I have no idea how it’s going to turn out, but it’ll be one of two ways, that’s for sure. My nights are, for the most part, quiet and unevenful – and I’m at WORK during those times. It’s nice that I have a career that I truly enjoy, and still be able to enjoy it after payday. I spent the whole year we were living in CA working 2 jobs, and always being tired out of my mind by the time I get home. Yeah, there were the respites, like going to see Nina Hagen, visiting Disneyland several times over that year, and of course seeing the ocean. The rest of the year seemed to go by in a blur though – work does that to you.
Makes me think I really do need this vacation……..badly. I think it’s true what they say about if you don’t take holidays once in a while, you go nuts. But…….they say that about me anyhow. I saw the cover for the unrated DVD of “Saw” at Wal-Mart, and thought it funny that such a “family” store would carry such gruesome violence…unrated yet! Hypocrites….sacrifice values for the almighty dollar. Sam Walton would be spinning in his grave so fast, he’d drill to China a few times over.
I guess I’ll find out how I’ll be spending my vacation soon enough…that’s for sure.
Vacations for me are a rare thing. Probably so rare that they could be placed on an endangered species list. For some reason, I have to be pretty much pestered into taking a vacation…but even when I DO take one, I never really know what to do with myself. Guess that’s what happens when you escape puberty and get into adult life…especially when you get hitched and spawn offspring. Some say it’s a trap in life, but I disagree….there can be plenty of fun to be had….you just have to know where to find it.
I’m finding I need to go back to my roots and find what it is that drives me forward. What drives me on to be the person I am, and then re-fine-tune the purpose behind it. It’s kind of like going down a road, and then you keep going, but the road has disappeared. You’re still driving, you’re in the air, but for some reason you are not travelling in any direction – even down. I do love my art, but have had the need to rediscover what art is to me. I knew what it was all the way into the nineties, but then I seem to have lost my way somewhere along the line. Perhaps I just need to clear my head a little bit, and then I’ll know more for sure. I’m successful, sure. Some might say I’m doing well. But all the time, you also have to fill up on the inside, and while I’ve been doing some of that, I know I need more – I need that personal rush that comes from being the creative soul that I am.
I remember the days when rows of computers would be lined up, and I’d write some few paragraphs done from the perspective of the computer, and then would leave it for people to discover. I’d sit somewhere down the aisle and then watch and see how many people actually stopped to read what was on the screen before moving on – or the employee would clear out what I had done. Guess some people just have no appreciation for written art. I’m still working on a story I had started back in 1986, and someday it will be done. I suppose it’s just a matter of refocusing my energies. I know I can do it…it’s just a matter of time – but also keeping in mind not to take TOO long in doing it.
Somewhere is that magic formula inside my muse’s mind….the mind’s eye will open again someday. 🙂